I grew up around farms and farm people. And, generally speaking, I understand the farmer’s admonition that spiders (they eat lots of noxious insects) and snakes (they eat noxious vermin) are our friends who usually don’t bother you if don’t bother them first.
Unless, of course, you are putting on a shoe and a highly aggressive North American Hairy Death Killer spider (I totally made that name up) sees dozens of toes coming at its multifaceted eyes and decides to inject you with some neuroparalytic venom that will cause you to be discovered dead by EMTs, forever frozen in time with a look of surprise on your face, one shoe on, and your web browser still on your favorite porn site you don’t want anyone else to know about.
With me it’s about the element of surprise. If one of my squeamish neighbors calls me upset because they have a large snake or spider in their place, I am the guy who comes in bravely and picks the offender up and disposes of it in whatever PETA-approved way you can think of. (Not really. They all die. I figure, it’s them or me.)
I’ve worked as a bouncer. I’ve worked security at concerts. I can take care of myself.
Little do most of those people realize that if that same snake or spider were to surprise me, especially in places I feel vulnerable (shower, toilet, bed, etc.) I will go from zero to girly in about two seconds. See the picture of the little girl in this post? That’s me, only I know — and this may be hard to believe — I could scream louder than a pre-pubescent girl.
I rented a cabin in the woods once with some friends and I had walked out to check out a shed that was about 20 yards from the main cabin. Hanging from one of the eaves of the shed was a spider web I did not see until I had walked through it. My friends watching me from the main cabin thought I was having a seizure.
Snakes in a display case at the zoo or pet store? Very cool.
A snake in a toilet you don’t discover until after you sit down? I have thought about this possibility every single time in my life I have ever used a porta-pottie, standing or sitting.
In fact, I see a line of porta-potties and on some visceral level I think, “Oh, look. They brought in a row of snake habitats for this event.”
Which brings us to the spiders the size of the one in the video below.
No, no, no, no, no.
No touchy. No looky. Someone grab a blow torch because that spider would have seconds to live.